~*~
The news the next day was a mixed bag of good and bad. Sara didn't have the flu or pneumonia as Jack had feared, but she did have a bacterial infection which had the the potential to be equally serious. The good news was that it was detected early and seemed to be responding to antibiotics. It was the drop in her blood counts, an undesirable yet not uncommon side effect of chemotherapy, that concerned them most. Not only did it put her at high risk for infection, it meant that any further cancer treatment would have to be suspended until the numbers returned to normal. In the meantime, she would remain in the hospital.
The oncologist, Dr. Markham, assured them it wasn't a major setback at this point. "Clinically, she's still in remission, and we're hopeful this will only be a short interruption. Of course, there's that other little interruption coming up soon, right?"
"Five more weeks," Steve replied.
"She won't go that long. I've already talked to her obstetrician, and if baby doesn't come on her own before then, he'll induce in three. Meanwhile, we're going to work on getting her counts up again so we can get back to business after she delivers. If we have to, we'll just keep her here until then."
"She'd love that, wouldn't she?" Jack murmured.
"You mean you think she wouldn't?" Dr. Markham asked dryly. "I can't imagine what she'd rather be doing."
"She's been working on a book for the past year," Steve explained. "She was really hoping to finish before the baby comes."
"Well, good for her, but first things first. She'll just have to finish it later."
"I understand what you're saying, and I'm not trying to argue," said Steve. "But this is very important to her right now. I think she's afraid she won't have time to finish it later."
Dr. Markham's abrupt manner softened. "I promise you, we're doing everything we can to try and give her all the time she needs."
Steve stared after him with a glum expression. Jack could guess what he was thinking and tried to reassure him. "She's going to be fine." Maybe if he said it enough times he would believe it himself.
He received a small smile for his efforts. "You wanna grab some coffee while we're waiting?" .
"Sure," said Jack. "By the way, I've been meaning to ask, what do you know about the book? Sara's been pretty closed-mouthed about it, at least around me."
"Same here. All I really know is that it matters. Maybe that's all I need to know right now."
"You're a good husband."
"Thanks, but technically I'm not a husband, not at the moment."
They availed themselves to courtesy coffee and doughnuts in the waiting room and sat down in a quiet corner.
"Seems like we've done this before," said Jack.
"Yeah. No offense to your company, but it's not something I want to get used to."
"None taken. So, have you two set a date?"
Steve shook his head. "Not yet. She wants to wait until after the baby is born. There's no use pushing her. It's enough for now that she said yes."
"What do you think changed her mind?"
He shrugged. "I guess I just caught her in a weak moment. She doesn't like to admit it, but I think she needs me as much as I need her. Anyway, I told her I plan to be here whether she likes it or not."
"I'm glad." Jack stared into his cup as he continued. "You and I have come a long way over the years, haven't we?"
"Yeah, from good to bad to worse and back again, more than once. I couldn't blame you for hating me sometimes."
"I never hated you."
"You just wanted to kill me."
"A couple of times," he agreed with a smirk. "If you want to know the truth, I was afraid of you. I knew the first time I saw you with Sara you'd be the one to take her away."
"Take her away? From you?" The thought seemed to amuse him. "I'd like to meet the man who could. Oh, don't worry, I knew what I was getting into early on. The fact that we went behind your back nearly killed her. She'd rather cut off her arm than disappoint you. You're the reason she broke up with me."
"Well, I'm not sure I can take all the credit for that. To be fair, you were involved in a paternity suit at the time. Maybe that had a little something to do with it."
"You know that was a farce. That woman could have just as easily named you."
"Whoa, I never slept with her."
"Neither did I." Steve hedged in response to Jack's upshot eyebrow. "At least not during the time in question. There was no way I could have been that kid's father, and she knew that. But she sure caused me a lot of trouble." He paused. "You know, Jack, there was a split second when I thought maybe you put her up to it to screw me over."
"What?"
"I know, I know, it was crazy to even think, but not nearly as crazy as saying it out loud to Sara. That's when she dumped me."
"So you screwed yourself over."
"Basically. It wasn't the first time, and it wouldn't be the last."
"But you didn't stay dumped. Something kept her from being able to walk away entirely, didn't it?"
"True love, I suppose."
"Maybe. Though I thought it might have had something to do with her being pregnant."
Steve swallowed and sputtered. "You knew?"
Jack took a swig from his cup. "I knew more than either one of you thought I did."
"You never said a word. Why not?"
"I don't know what purpose it would have served. Besides, I was hoping she would come to me. But she didn't, and I left it alone. I figured she was a grown woman, she could make her own decisions. She had gotten pretty good at tuning me out by then anyway."
"She put off telling you, not because she was afraid of what you would say but because she felt she had let you down. After it was resolved there seemed no reason to say anything."
"And did you help her with the resolution?"
"If you think I pressured Sara into making a decision she couldn't live with, you're wrong. I told her from the start that I would support whatever choice she made, and I meant it, but I was glad when she said she planned to keep the baby. I said let's do it, get married, the whole nine yards. She said if we weren't right for each other before, having a baby together wasn't going to change that. She said I was too much of a mess to be a husband and a father. She was right, of course, but I didn't take it well at the time."
"So what happened?"
"She called me one night from a hospital. She'd had a miscarriage. I begged her to let me come but she wouldn't even tell me where she was. My life was a media circus back then, and she didn't want any publicity. I owed her that much. So I didn't see her until she was home." He paused. "I never expected it to hit me so hard. That's when I realized I had fallen in love with the idea of being a father, and I was on the verge of losing the only woman I wanted to be the mother of my children. I begged her to give me another chance. Guess I caught her in a weak moment then, too."
"That's when you went into rehab."
He nodded. "She told me to clean up my act or else."
"It wasn't like you hadn't heard that before."
"No, but I knew she'd be gone if I didn't. I guess it sounds trite, but she probably saved my life."
"Give yourself a little credit. You had a rough row to hoe, and you did it."
"She's the one who made me want to. It's funny how life works sometimes, isn't it? If Sara hadn't gotten pregnant then, it probably would've been all over between us twenty years ago, and you and I wouldn't be sitting here like this."
"And you'd never know what you missed."
"True."
They sipped their lukewarm coffee in silence for the next few minutes. Steve wasn't a person given to melancholy, but he seemed steeped in it when he spoke again.
"After Mark, when it looked like we weren't going to have any more, I used to think about that one. I'm not sure why, but in my mind I always said 'she'. I imagined a little girl with dark eyes and Sara's smile. Do you suppose having a daughter is really all that different from having a son?"
"I'd be tempted to say yes, but I don't have any experience to back it up. Guess you'll have to tell me."
Jack regretted bringing up the subject at all. He had no idea why he did; it just worked its way to the surface unexpectedly, like so many things that get unearthed when you start tilling the past.
"I wish I had known the whole story. I understand that kind of loss and how much it hurts. I'm sorry."
"Thanks." Steve gave him a measured look before continuing. "Jack, all these years, you thought I talked Sara into having an abortion, didn't you? I can understand why you might think that about me, the way I was back then, but I thought you would have known Sara better than that."
He dropped his his head and stared at the floor. "Maybe I should have. Maybe I just didn't want to think too much about it at all," he sighed. "Anyway, that's water under an old bridge. There's no reason to tell her we talked about this, is there?"
"None that I can see." Steve looked at his watch and stood up. "I think we can go in now. Ready?"
"You go. I'll be there in a few minutes."
Jack rolled his empty cup idly between his hands, feeling a pang from a forty year old wound. He learned long ago there was no point in dwelling on what might have been, but his heart wouldn't let him forget the son that came too soon. And he wouldn't choose to even if he could.
tbc
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